Showing posts with label green Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label green Jokes. Show all posts
Everything Sir!
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
BOSS: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, b-ra, pan-ty!
mas gusto ang nagmumura
Se - xy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SE - XY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya mags - ex!
PARI: 'tang ina! Di nga?
Baby ko
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
Nagpalit na ng Kasarian
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang mahaba sa gitna nito...
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
On the Honeymoon
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM: Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE: Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
Pilosopong Sales Lady
SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell con-doms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here.
Batched Green Jokes # 1
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni mister, kiliti niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo (pina-ikli ng iki-chemotherapy) lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
Joke time!!!
Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba,
eh di nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama, eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500
sa driver!
*********************************
A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??
Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!
****
Nanay: anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis dito tapos
ikaw, naglalaro lang jan?!!
Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis jan at
ikaw ang naglalaro dito?? toink...
****
doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa resulta ng AIDS
test!
tapos sasabihin pa niya...
THINK POSITIVE
Boy Bastos - What is Politics?
Boy Bastos goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me GMA.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. Your Yaya Inday, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother Junior, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has totally crapped in his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to his yaya's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with Inday. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Magaling, Boy Bastos! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Si GMA yinayari pala talaga ang Working Class, tapos yung Government walang ginawa kundi tulog lang nang tulog. The People hindi pinapansin and the Future... nakalubog na sa ebak!"
Tawa muna...
Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Tatay: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Tatay: regular
Anak: Bote o in can?
Tatay: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Tatay: Puneta, tubig na nga lang.
Anak: Mineral o distilled?
Tatay: Mineral.
Anak: Malamig o hindi?
Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tingting?
Tatay: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o kambing?
*****
Ale: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge.
Parang na- infect.
Duktor: Gaano kadalas ka mag-sex?
Ale: Once a year po.
Duktor: Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!
*****
CENSUS officer: Mrs, ilan bang anak nyo?
MRS: 14 po.
CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Di ba kayo gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal o rhythm?
MRS: Hindi po, kwan lang po ng mister ko talaga!
*****
Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs. Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yo
ang tatlong suso!!!"
******
Mental patient is singing while lying in his
hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.
*******
WIFE: Doc, bakit lumalabas ang mga ugat sa bird ng mister ko?
DOC: Varicose veins yon!
WIFE: Anong cause nun?
DOC: Pareho din sa legs mo....pag laging nakatayo!!!
*****
Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?
Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!
Guro: Bakit?
Boy: Kasi po sa bahay kubo namin, madalas lumindol kapag gabi, pero pag-switch ko po ng ilaw, biglang tumitigil!!!
*****
B ADING na may binili sa MERCURY Drug Store............
Bading: Miss, may XXL ba kayo na condom?
Miss: Meron po, bibili ba kayo?
Bading: Hindi, aabangan ko ang bibili nyan!
*****
Isang ale to another: How do you make your husband punctual in coming home from work?
Second ale: Simple........ I tell him sex will start at exactly 9 pm, with or without him!!!
******
ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW
NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!
Natagpuan Na!
Pagkatapos ng isang bilyong taon...
Natagpuan din ang prutas na
kinain ni Eba na naging sanhi ng
pagkakaalis nila sa paraiso...
(in fairness mukha syang sayote.. L )
Kayo na lang ang humusga
kung bakit niya ito nagustuhan..
Delayed ng Isang Buwan
Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, kung hindi mapapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."
Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan."
"Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Ei.
"Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco.
"Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"
Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco.
"Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?
"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado.
"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir.
"Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado.
"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?"
"Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"
Best of the Best Beauty Pageant Boo Boos
Host: Saan ang dream vacation mo?
Contestant : Amangpulo.
###########
Host : What was the very first gift that you gave to your
girlfriend?
Male Contestant : Uhmm...taptoy.
Host: What taptoy?
Male Contestant : Taptoy na teddy bird.
############
Host: What's your ideal age for marriage?
Girl:Uhm, uhm, I am not sure....
Host:Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl:Uhmm. more. (Crowd booing... ) Sige, Sige. Less,less....
############
Host:If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to
showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant:Bocaue.
Host: Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Phils? Why Bocaue?
Girl: Because it's a magnificent place.
Host: Which part of Bocaue?
Girl:The Bocaue Rice Terraces. (Banaue Kaya Yon!!)
############
The contestant, presenting herself, talks into the mic and says, "Hi!
I'm Cristine Reyes from Bagiuo.," and then she turns around, walks a little,
goes back then yells at the top of her lungs! Then shouts,
"CITYYYYYYYY!!!!"
############
(From Little Miss Philippines)
Host: Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?
Girl: Maging lalaki po!
############
Host: Who's your favorite author?
Contestant: Danielle Steele
Host: Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant: Because, because.Danielle Steele, I like best.
############
Host: How would you like me to address you?
Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon City.
############
Host: What is your best feature?
Contestant: My graduation feature.
############
Host: So tell us, why did join this contest?
Contestant: Me, join this contest, why did I????? Thank you!
############
Host: What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant: I want to be a successful Medicine.
############
Host: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?
Contestant : BRA!
############
Host: What is you favorite motto?
Contestant: If others can't why, why can't I!
############
Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant: Please come back.
############
(From gay beauty contest)
Host: What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?
Gay contestant: (Stops, thinks and then smiles.) EGGPLANT PO!
############
Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
############
(From gay contest)
Host: Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant : I think and believe na bilang isang bading......ano nga
po ulit yung question?
############
Host: Which part of your body is your best asset?
Contestant : (Believe it or not she answered) Si Melanie Marquez po!
############
Host : What is your favorite motto?
Contestant : (After a long pause) I don't have a motto eh. (So the crowd
starts helping her out. The crowd starts saying "Time is gold! Time is
gold!")
Contestant : I have na po. Chinese gold!
############
Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant: That's a very good question. Keep it up. (Then the girl turns and walks away.)
############
Host: So, you're vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?
Contestant : I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what's that na nga?
KALABASH?
############
Host : Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl : JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)
Host : Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl: Hulk Hogan.
############
Host : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant: Uhmm... a bumble bee!
############
Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
############
Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
############
Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28 years old.
############
Host : Describe your love one in three words.
Girl : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host : OK, sige!
Girl : In one word, MY LIFE!
############
Host : If you were given any special power, what would it
be?
Girl : Power of Attorney!
############
Host : So you like reading, who's your favorite author?
Girl : Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host : What works of Shakespeare?
Girl : Hindi ko po alam eh, depende.....
Host : But he's your favorite.
Girl : Eh kasi patay na sya eh.
############
Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
############
Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to
the eye!
############
Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
############
Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant : Testicles!
############
Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here?
Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?
CREATIVE PINOY MEALS
Totoo yan! Nasa baba yung picture nung lugar . . .
Pinoys Favorite Food:
THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA AIRPORT,
so, maybe next time you are around the area, you may
as well dine-in there, and check out their menu; AS
YOU GO ON, IT'S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MORE
FLAVORFUL!!! (this is based on true facts...)
1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog
2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog
3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog
4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog
5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog
6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso
7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog
8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog
9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog
10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog
11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog
12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig ano)
13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw
14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado
15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso
16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan
17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo,
Malasado, Laing, Kilawin
18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing
19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo
20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape
21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape,Molong Pancit
22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong
23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong,
Pancit - Take out
26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit,
Halo-halo
27. SIGE KANTOT PAIBAON MO PAPA! - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang
Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup
28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong
29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong
30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kapeng Barako
31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,Saging + Yosi
32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,Kape
33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,
Kape, Inihaw na Bangus,
Maruya,Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit
34. SUBO! - Sugpo, Bopis
35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo
36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit
37. SUBO MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige
38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki,Kochinta
39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola Teryaki, Kochinta,
Bihon, Tawilis
40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39, minura mo lang yung
waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.
NOW, YOU BELIEVE, FILIPINO CUISINE MENUS CAN BE SO
APPETIZING, SERVE WITH SIZZLING LIBIDO... ENJOY YOUR
MEAL, BON APPETITI!!!
Totoo yan! Eto nga yung picture nung lugar . . .
RAPE SUSPEK
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!
MADRE
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
HIDE AND SEEK
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
DOWNY
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
LIIT NAMAN
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?